Reply to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Date: 2009-06-30, 7:43AM EDT
Can you write copy that sells? If the answer is yes--or you think you have what it takes--read on. We're a small publishing house based in Baltimore, and we're looking to bring new talent to our in-house copy team. If you're ready for the experience and challenge of a lifetime, send me a short sales letter that pitches readers on the publication of your choosing (think Wall Street Journal, Mens Health, etc) and why they should buy it, right now. All applicants will be considered. We offer a competitive compensation and health care package, in addition to a relaxed, friendly environment.
-Compensation: Salary + Guaranteed Commissions. 6-figure potential.
-Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
-Please, no phone calls about this job!
-Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
July 1, 2009
1234 Main Street
City, STATE 12345
Stop wasting your time.
You're going to do it anyway. You can't really help it. Print is all around, and it eye-rapes you constantly. Yeah, maybe you were asking for it: dragging your eyes around, all hungry-like; maybe all the useless facts and wasted hours your brain spends on absorbing billboards and spam emails are kind of your fault. I'm just saying – if it's something that's going to happen to you anyway, why not be taken advantage of by a publication that will actually do something positive for you?
I'm talking about Men's Health Magazine.
Let's be honest: all you're going to do at first is look at the pictures. It's okay – everybody does. That's how I started! Just an average dude, wanting to get something back for the hours of pointless reading I was doing anyway. But I knew eventually I'd get more out of it. Here's the threefold Men's Health Magazine promise to you:
· Look Awesome – Of course you care about your abs. Health supplements? Totally reading that article! Yeah: you're one of THEM now.
· You've Got Mail – There's more than just bills in that mailbox now, mister.
· Learn stuff – It's going to take some time. But eventually? Your brain will exceed its fullness levels and a tiny drain will open up at the base (doctors call this the evacuoma gland, and some celebrities are having theirs stapled to lose weight – but you already knew that based on the insidious banner ads eating up space on your favorite blogs, didn't you? SEE?). Out of that drain will pour all the crap about Jon & Kate's messy divorce, how many calories are in two servings of Chex Mix, and the special Comcast is running right now. Then your brain will be replenished with stuff only the manliest men know.
If you take advantage of this limited-time offer, you'll not only save money, space in your brain, and self respect: you'll save hours of your life that otherwise would have been squandered on useless crap. And you'll get laid.
In addition, if you refer a friend, I will personally deliver your first copy of Men's Health Magazine so I can high-five you on the beginning of your path to awesomeness. Oh, who am I? I'm Chuck Norris, and I'm a subscriber.